Thankful!

I had the best of intentions but a very busy week has kept me away from posting much at all!
Last week was filled with appointments, school things and alot of sick kids and a very tired mommy! Everyone has been fighting off a nasty cold, cough and sore throat bug that seems to be going around! Over the last week, I have been thankful for many things, instead of going day by day to catch up, I would like to just list some things that I've found myself being thankful and happy for this last week.

I am thankful for my midwife that delivered Grace, I saw her last week and was again reminded of the care, compassion and support that she has shown me since March.
I am thankful for my son Tyler's teacher at school, I had a conference with her last week and I just have to say I am so very thankful he is in her class, it is right where I think he needs to be!
I am so thankful for my mother. We've had our share of rough times, but I am truly blessed to have her. She has been an immense help since March and I love the way she loves my children.
I am thankful for the Veterans of our country, I am thankful for the sacrifice of them and thier families. Having been a Navy family for 9 years I truly appreciate all they do.
I am thankful for my husband job/coworkers. I am thankful that he is able to work with such caring and supportive people who make his workday better.
I am thankful for my mother in law. She as well has been a huge help the last few months as well!
I am thankful for the life I have been given. Adam and I got married when we were 19 and 20 and over the last 9 years we have been through alot, alot more than alot of people will ever go through in thier entire lives but we always come out better because of it. I am thankful that I know that, and that I know that someday we will be able to say that about losing Grace, it's far off I know but I am thankful I have him to help me through this and am glad that he is the one that the Lord chose for me.

Despite everyone having pretty yucky coughs and colds we had a great weekend! Usually we put our Christmas tree up and Adam's village up either the day after Thanksgiving or the day after our 2nd sons birthday, the fisrt week of December but Adam kept asking if we could do it earlier since last year we were moving at Christmas time we didn't put it up. So I said "why not?" and we put it all up this weekend and I had so much fun with my kids and husband eating cookies, drinking cocoa and decorating! We were given Groupons for the African Safari wildlife park that is about an hour away so we took the kids to that yesterday and it was just a great time! You drive through and can feed Llama's Deer, Buffalo, Moose, and Texas longhorns food through your windows! It was crazy. They made huge messes in our van and stuck thier heads right in and it was just so funny, definately not something we had ever expirienced!

Days 6 and 7

Nov 6
I am thankful for my kids having friends that they love to play with right in our neighborhood. When we lived in Connecticut, we had a great neighborhood of friends. Alot of kids around the same ages and play levels, parents who we could connect with and alot of fun and memories were had.
When we moved back to Ohio 16 months ago, we did NOT have that, we didn't know or trust our neighbors, the parents had no interests in what their kids were up to and so the kids were up to no good and not good for our kids. When we moved into our new house, we suspected that there would be alot of kids for ours to play with, but in the dead of winter, it's hard to make new friends!
The summer has been filled with playing with neighbors and I am so very thankful that my boys have some great friends to grow up with!

Nov 7.

I am so thankful for Tyler. My first baby. I'm not sure how he got to be 7 years old, the time has flown by too quickly and I'd love for it to slow down. Tyler was my little buddy, not becoming a big brother until he was close to 3. When Adam was at sea for months at a time, it was me and Tyler by ourselves. Tyler took losing Grace so very hard and I am so glad that recently he is doing so much better. He is such a sweet boy and I am so proud of the little man he is becoming. He is so smart and creative and kind and I am blessed to be his mother!

30 Days of Thanks, Days 4 and 5

My goodness,I certainly tried to post yesterday and blogger was being very finicky for some reason. Alas I am catching up again.
Day 4.

 I am thankful for this little guy. My middle son, Iain. Iain is by far one of my biggest challenges in parenting. He was such an easy baby, he nursed easily, slept well, didn't cry much and was always just so calm. I thought we were so lucky to have such an easy time with him! When he hit about a year though? Boy did things change! He is one big ball of energy and will. I'm not sure if there is anyone as headstrong as this boy. But oh is he such a joy as well! Iain is hilarious and his heart is huge. Some of the things that he says just make me laugh so much and I love his snuggles. He is very much a mama's boy right now, I'm not sure I've ever seen a more clingy child but it's ok. He's not quite 5 yet and I don't mind him needing to stick close to me right now. I am so very thankful for my sweet boy.

Day 5

I am so thankful for this man. The last 11 years of my life have been amazing because of Adam. He is an amazing father to our children and wonderful provider for our family. He is an amazing husband. He is my best friend. Today he took the boys and I got a haircut and had some quiet time at home, and I am so thankful that he is MY husband!

30 Days of Thanks Days 2&3

Well goodness already off to a rough start! I was going to blog last night after the boys went tobed, and I ended up going to sleep at 9pm after I got them all in bed! So two days today!

Day 2.
I am thankful for the kindess of strangers.
Throughout Grace's life and now after, we have become aware of many people who we do not know praying and thinking of us. Some have done such wonderful things for our family. I am so thankful for many people who have introuduced themselves to us because of our girl.

Last night was a pizza party for Iain and Isaacs soccer team that they played on during August, September and October. It is just a team through the YMCA but the coach wanted to do a little something extra for the kids and it was so nice. While we were there, the coach and another mom started talking about the number of kids they had. They said to me "you just have these 3?" and after momemtarily panicking, I gathered my courage and I said "No, actually I have 4. I have a daughter as well but she passed away in August." To be honest, oftentimes even with people close to me, if I mention Grace it's like I just said something awful and the conversation ends and I've made people uncomfortable. But last night? With two women who I've not really spoken much more than greetings to at soccer was different. They both said they were sorry and then the one mom asked how old she was and I talked about her. Then she asked what her name was. That might not sound like anything big, but it is. To have a stranger wonder what her name was, and for me to speak it. It just made my heart feel good. I am thankful for thier kindness.

Day 3

I am thankful for the people in this picture. Without them, I would not have been able to make it through losing Grace. You see, more than even my longest friends, the people in this picture unfortunately know exactly how I feel. We all lost our babies within 6 weeks of each other, our babies all lived thier entire lives in the same NICU and now live thier eternal lives together in Heaven. They probably don't know just how much being able to text, email, facebook and see them has gotten me through this. Though I hate the circumstances under which we all met, I am forever thankful for them.

                                                      A little sunshine on a chilly day!

30 Days of Thanks. Day 1.

I hit a rough patch recently, I don't know why I was just so sad. Missing Grace so much. I need to greive her but I also need to be together for the children I do have at home. Something that got me through the very begining (besides shock I guess!) was I forced myself to focus on the wonderful times I had with Grace. Like to think about and be thankful for the amazing snuggles she gave me, or for the smiles I had from her, or from the times when she made it obvious that she wanted ME! To focus on that instead of everything I will never have with her, did help me. I think I got out of the habit of that, and just thought of everything I didn't have with her. So, in an effort to keep myself on track and count my blessings I am going to try to write each day about somehting that I am thankful for. I do truly have alot to be thankful for. I don't have my beautiful girl, but I am not left with nothing.

Today I am thankful for living in a wonderful neighborhood with great neighbors. I feel safe in my neighborhood and didn't worry about what kinds of people were passing out candy to my 3 sons and nephew last night. I love the company of another neighbor while walking. After Grace died, my neighbors all brought us food and have prayed for us and supported us at Grace's memorial. I am very thankful for living where we do.

7 month birthday

Today my little Gracie Girl would be 7  months old. She has been gone for 11 weeks. Somedays it's still very hard to even believe it. I wonder what she would be doing, I wonder how much bigger she would be. I know what my boys did at 7 months, and I know she would not have been close to what they were doing but I know she would have been reaching her own milestones at her own times. The weather is getting colder, and I wonder how she would have looked in her cute sweaters I have hanging in her closet. I wonder how many teeth she wouldhave had by now, she was working on them before she died. I wonder, if she had lived, would I have her home right now? Or would I still be spreading myself way too thin, all over the place trying to be at the hospital for her and trying to still give my boys what they needed? I wonder what I would have dresses her as for Halloween? I wonder how much hair she would have, it had started to really grow the last few weeks before she passed.  I miss her so much.

These are the hard times coming up for me, a year ago today actually we walked through our house for the first time, I was 18 weeks pregnant with her and just so happy. We found what we thought was going to be the perfect house for our 3 boys and 1 sweet girl ( I didn't know yet she was a girl, just had a hunch) On Nov 6, we found out we WERE having a girl! I was ecstatic, I wanted a girl, LOVE my boys so much but I was so ready for some pink, we had our offer accepted, we had a closing date, we had a HEALTHY GIRL on the way, life was good! I wish I could go back to last year. I wish when I had my ultrasound and the tech kept saying that she had a hard time seeing everything because Grace was rolled tightly in a ball, I wish I would have not accepted when she said she was finished becuase she had gotten a "good enough" look and requested a follow up. Maybe then 7 months ago things would have turned out much differently and I wouldn't have had to leave the hospital for the final time, empty handed 11 weeks ago.

But all of that, doesnt really matter because as much as it is hard for me to accept, everything was part of Grace's purpose. I suppose she wouldn't have touched as many lives if we had gotten the diagnosis prenatally and things had began differently, I don't know.

I miss her so much, I love her so much and I know that one day, I will see her again. I am trying so very hard to hold onto that, I know she is waiting for me, I know she wasn't "taken" from me, rather I was loaned her for a short time and though in my mind that time was not nearly long enough and in that time I didn't get all that I wanted with her, I know that it was all the time she needed to fullfill her purpose.

I believe that God does have a plan for all of our lives, He knows what is to come for me and for my family. I have a hard time being able to visualize the days when my heart is not crushed and consumed with grief over Grace, the days when I can truly say once again my life is joyful and the good days far outnumber the bad days. But I believe they will come, someday. I think of this verse often

          I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God. 

I miss you beautiful Grace.

A Walk to Remember

On Saturday October 8th, one day shy of Grace's 2 month "angelversary" (did you know that's a term used for the day your child died? Makes it sound "better" I guess) we went back to U of M. Each year they hold a Walk to Remember and Tree Planting Ceremony in memory of all the beautiful babies lost. It was the first time we had been back up there since Grace passed and as we got closer it got  harder. I'm glad Adam was driving because I might have turned around. It was just so hard as we got closer because I started remembering how when she was here, I would love getting closer because I was almost to my girl! We met up with 3 other families that lost thier sweet babies, I've blogged about them all before actually. Emma, Eva and Aiden families, it was nice to see them, as they've all been a big part of my healing process. We had dinner with them as well as another family from the NICU.
There were two speaker, one Neonatologist, who I remembered seeing but honestly don't know if she ever had anything to do with Grace. But what she said made me cry. Then there was a parent speaker. A woman who had lost her son 19 (i think) years ago. Her son lived a much shorter life than Grace and did not have CDH but she just reduced me to a sobbing mess. She spoke of many of the feelings and emotions that I have, but her son also arrived atHolden like Grace, as an emergent transport which just made me think about the day Grace was born and just how incredibly scary it was. Then we walked through the Arboretum and had a short ceremony for the tree planting. The tree was an Apricot Brandy Magnolia, it was already planted but we all had the opportunity to help mulch it. It was actually a very healing day for me, I am so glad I went to it. Somehow it helped. We went back to the NICU afterwards with Emma's parents. It was nice to see some of the staff that was so helpful to us along the way.
 Not a second goes by that I don't miss her. Before I was even pregnant with her, I knew one day I would have another baby because it always just felt like there was someone missing. I didn't know who, but I felt like when we were all together, our family just wasn't complete. It's so sad to still feel that way, even though I have carried and birthed 4 children.
I haven't really been around here, I've had alot of just awful very sad, very hard days. So much I don't understand and never will and am not supposed to. Sometimes I am so ok with that, sometimes I can accept so readily and easily that she passed, it was just her time, just her purpose and others, I am driving myself crazy with "what ifs,if only's and whys" I replay the day of her death in my head because I just do not understand it, I do not understand what happened. I have so many questions about htat day that I didn't even think to ask then. Ilook at her pictures and cant understand how a baby so FULL of life could die, some pictures, if you took the nasal cannula away, you wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong!
But mostly, I am ok, we are ok. I would have considered Adam and I to have a good, strong marriage before, but through this we are stronger. I would have considered myself a good mother before, but through this I am better.
I will NEVER get over this, but somehow, I AM moving THROUGH it. I'll never understand why I didn't get to keep her, but I am so very glad I got the time I did with her.
We planted her garden, next spring we will do even more. I am happy with it. There are alot squirrels playing and digging in it, but the plants do seem to be doing pretty good. I like having it, because somehow it feels like she is here with us.
I'd like to thank everyone for thier support and love through all of this. So many have reached out to us by this blog, facebook, email, regular mail etc. Some of you, we don't even know! I am slow to get thank you's out but please know that not a single gesture of kindness has been in vain or unnoticed. At times Ive been overwhealmed with how great you all are! Thank you all so very much.