Thursday, March 15, 2012

He makes beautiful things..

My sweet Grace, remains forever, the most beautiful girl in the world. Her life, everything about her, she was beauty. That He created. I miss her, every second of every day. This life without her gets easier at times and harder at others. Its really all very strange and hard to explain unless you've lived it.
When she was alive, I loved this song, I felt it was "hers". After she died, I still love it, it has just taken a different meaning.

All this pain..
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?

You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.

All around,
Hope is springing up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.

He makes beautiful things. There is Hope, even in the chaos and in the pain. He is making this beautiful thing currently:
This is Grace's little brother. He is 20 wks 5 days along, growing exactly as he should. He is due only 12 short days before the first anniversary of his beautiful big sister's death. Expecting him, makes not having Grace so much harder but I am so much more aware of what a miracle he is.  I can feel him kicking, a year ago, it was her I felt kicking. I am thrilled, beyond belief that he is healthy, that we are not facing another NICU stay, another possibility of planning another funeral.
Preparing for him, means moving forward from Grace in a way I am not and haven't been ready to and never could really foresee a time when I would be ready. He can't wear any of Grace's pink clothes, he can't sleep in Grace's lavendar room. He can't ride around in Grace's pink and flowery stroller and carseat. All things I'm still clinging to, because they were hers. I don't know what I'm going to do with her things, but I know, truly that putting them away is important, a necessary step in the "healing process"
We are so so so thankful for this beautiful blessing. So thankful he is healthy, I can't wait to meet him.
Please continue to keep our family in your prayers.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

7 mos yesterday

Yesterday marked 7 mos since Grace died. I cannot believe how quickly time is going by. Her birthday is coming up and somedays, I don't think I can handle it passing without her. Somedays, I wonder how I'll even be able to do anything but cry that day. But I know I will. I miss her, I miss the weight of her in my arms so much. The feel of her sweet little head and chubby cheeks on my chest.I miss my arms going numb and struggling to stay awake after holding her for hours. That little girl was like instant sleep dust when you held her, she'd fall asleep and very shortly you'd find yourself struggling to stay awake unless you had something else to keep you occupied! I miss the way she'd wake up, and just look up at you, with the cutest look ever. I miss her smell and the way that she always would hold on to the hood strings of my sweatshirts, and the way that she would sit and finger the ruffles on the fronts of her outfits. I can't wait to see her again.