Thursday, October 27, 2011

7 month birthday

Today my little Gracie Girl would be 7  months old. She has been gone for 11 weeks. Somedays it's still very hard to even believe it. I wonder what she would be doing, I wonder how much bigger she would be. I know what my boys did at 7 months, and I know she would not have been close to what they were doing but I know she would have been reaching her own milestones at her own times. The weather is getting colder, and I wonder how she would have looked in her cute sweaters I have hanging in her closet. I wonder how many teeth she wouldhave had by now, she was working on them before she died. I wonder, if she had lived, would I have her home right now? Or would I still be spreading myself way too thin, all over the place trying to be at the hospital for her and trying to still give my boys what they needed? I wonder what I would have dresses her as for Halloween? I wonder how much hair she would have, it had started to really grow the last few weeks before she passed.  I miss her so much.

These are the hard times coming up for me, a year ago today actually we walked through our house for the first time, I was 18 weeks pregnant with her and just so happy. We found what we thought was going to be the perfect house for our 3 boys and 1 sweet girl ( I didn't know yet she was a girl, just had a hunch) On Nov 6, we found out we WERE having a girl! I was ecstatic, I wanted a girl, LOVE my boys so much but I was so ready for some pink, we had our offer accepted, we had a closing date, we had a HEALTHY GIRL on the way, life was good! I wish I could go back to last year. I wish when I had my ultrasound and the tech kept saying that she had a hard time seeing everything because Grace was rolled tightly in a ball, I wish I would have not accepted when she said she was finished becuase she had gotten a "good enough" look and requested a follow up. Maybe then 7 months ago things would have turned out much differently and I wouldn't have had to leave the hospital for the final time, empty handed 11 weeks ago.

But all of that, doesnt really matter because as much as it is hard for me to accept, everything was part of Grace's purpose. I suppose she wouldn't have touched as many lives if we had gotten the diagnosis prenatally and things had began differently, I don't know.

I miss her so much, I love her so much and I know that one day, I will see her again. I am trying so very hard to hold onto that, I know she is waiting for me, I know she wasn't "taken" from me, rather I was loaned her for a short time and though in my mind that time was not nearly long enough and in that time I didn't get all that I wanted with her, I know that it was all the time she needed to fullfill her purpose.

I believe that God does have a plan for all of our lives, He knows what is to come for me and for my family. I have a hard time being able to visualize the days when my heart is not crushed and consumed with grief over Grace, the days when I can truly say once again my life is joyful and the good days far outnumber the bad days. But I believe they will come, someday. I think of this verse often

          I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God

I miss you beautiful Grace.

Friday, October 14, 2011

A Walk to Remember

On Saturday October 8th, one day shy of Grace's 2 month "angelversary" (did you know that's a term used for the day your child died? Makes it sound "better" I guess) we went back to U of M. Each year they hold a Walk to Remember and Tree Planting Ceremony in memory of all the beautiful babies lost. It was the first time we had been back up there since Grace passed and as we got closer it got  harder. I'm glad Adam was driving because I might have turned around. It was just so hard as we got closer because I started remembering how when she was here, I would love getting closer because I was almost to my girl! We met up with 3 other families that lost thier sweet babies, I've blogged about them all before actually. Emma, Eva and Aiden families, it was nice to see them, as they've all been a big part of my healing process. We had dinner with them as well as another family from the NICU.
There were two speaker, one Neonatologist, who I remembered seeing but honestly don't know if she ever had anything to do with Grace. But what she said made me cry. Then there was a parent speaker. A woman who had lost her son 19 (i think) years ago. Her son lived a much shorter life than Grace and did not have CDH but she just reduced me to a sobbing mess. She spoke of many of the feelings and emotions that I have, but her son also arrived atHolden like Grace, as an emergent transport which just made me think about the day Grace was born and just how incredibly scary it was. Then we walked through the Arboretum and had a short ceremony for the tree planting. The tree was an Apricot Brandy Magnolia, it was already planted but we all had the opportunity to help mulch it. It was actually a very healing day for me, I am so glad I went to it. Somehow it helped. We went back to the NICU afterwards with Emma's parents. It was nice to see some of the staff that was so helpful to us along the way.
 Not a second goes by that I don't miss her. Before I was even pregnant with her, I knew one day I would have another baby because it always just felt like there was someone missing. I didn't know who, but I felt like when we were all together, our family just wasn't complete. It's so sad to still feel that way, even though I have carried and birthed 4 children.
I haven't really been around here, I've had alot of just awful very sad, very hard days. So much I don't understand and never will and am not supposed to. Sometimes I am so ok with that, sometimes I can accept so readily and easily that she passed, it was just her time, just her purpose and others, I am driving myself crazy with "what ifs,if only's and whys" I replay the day of her death in my head because I just do not understand it, I do not understand what happened. I have so many questions about htat day that I didn't even think to ask then. Ilook at her pictures and cant understand how a baby so FULL of life could die, some pictures, if you took the nasal cannula away, you wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong!
But mostly, I am ok, we are ok. I would have considered Adam and I to have a good, strong marriage before, but through this we are stronger. I would have considered myself a good mother before, but through this I am better.
I will NEVER get over this, but somehow, I AM moving THROUGH it. I'll never understand why I didn't get to keep her, but I am so very glad I got the time I did with her.
We planted her garden, next spring we will do even more. I am happy with it. There are alot squirrels playing and digging in it, but the plants do seem to be doing pretty good. I like having it, because somehow it feels like she is here with us.
I'd like to thank everyone for thier support and love through all of this. So many have reached out to us by this blog, facebook, email, regular mail etc. Some of you, we don't even know! I am slow to get thank you's out but please know that not a single gesture of kindness has been in vain or unnoticed. At times Ive been overwhealmed with how great you all are! Thank you all so very much.