Today my little Gracie Girl would be 7 months old. She has been gone for 11 weeks. Somedays it's still very hard to even believe it. I wonder what she would be doing, I wonder how much bigger she would be. I know what my boys did at 7 months, and I know she would not have been close to what they were doing but I know she would have been reaching her own milestones at her own times. The weather is getting colder, and I wonder how she would have looked in her cute sweaters I have hanging in her closet. I wonder how many teeth she wouldhave had by now, she was working on them before she died. I wonder, if she had lived, would I have her home right now? Or would I still be spreading myself way too thin, all over the place trying to be at the hospital for her and trying to still give my boys what they needed? I wonder what I would have dresses her as for Halloween? I wonder how much hair she would have, it had started to really grow the last few weeks before she passed. I miss her so much.
These are the hard times coming up for me, a year ago today actually we walked through our house for the first time, I was 18 weeks pregnant with her and just so happy. We found what we thought was going to be the perfect house for our 3 boys and 1 sweet girl ( I didn't know yet she was a girl, just had a hunch) On Nov 6, we found out we WERE having a girl! I was ecstatic, I wanted a girl, LOVE my boys so much but I was so ready for some pink, we had our offer accepted, we had a closing date, we had a HEALTHY GIRL on the way, life was good! I wish I could go back to last year. I wish when I had my ultrasound and the tech kept saying that she had a hard time seeing everything because Grace was rolled tightly in a ball, I wish I would have not accepted when she said she was finished becuase she had gotten a "good enough" look and requested a follow up. Maybe then 7 months ago things would have turned out much differently and I wouldn't have had to leave the hospital for the final time, empty handed 11 weeks ago.
But all of that, doesnt really matter because as much as it is hard for me to accept, everything was part of Grace's purpose. I suppose she wouldn't have touched as many lives if we had gotten the diagnosis prenatally and things had began differently, I don't know.
I miss her so much, I love her so much and I know that one day, I will see her again. I am trying so very hard to hold onto that, I know she is waiting for me, I know she wasn't "taken" from me, rather I was loaned her for a short time and though in my mind that time was not nearly long enough and in that time I didn't get all that I wanted with her, I know that it was all the time she needed to fullfill her purpose.
I believe that God does have a plan for all of our lives, He knows what is to come for me and for my family. I have a hard time being able to visualize the days when my heart is not crushed and consumed with grief over Grace, the days when I can truly say once again my life is joyful and the good days far outnumber the bad days. But I believe they will come, someday. I think of this verse often
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God.