Sunday, October 14, 2012

Capture Your Grief Catch up.days 4&5

Wow, the days have just been getting away from me. We are just so busy and have had a few sick little ones. Thankfully everyone seems to be on the mend. Now to catch up.
Day 4. Most Treasured Item.
I had thought of this one a lot. I have so many treasured items of Grace's it is so hard to pick just one.
I picked this though, because I don't feel like I can ever be without it. I put this necklace on the day the funeral home gave it back to me after the cremation was finished and haven't been without it since. You see, this necklace is more than just a symbol of my love for her, it holds a small portion of her remains inside. It comforts me. It strengthens me. It means so much to me to have her so close to my heart.

Day 5. Memorial. Something that has been done as a memorial to your child.
In Grace's memory, we have planted a garden at our home. Our friends had a tree planted at a nearby park. Adam has a tattoo.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Capture Your Grief day 3. Self portrait after loss

This was just a few weeks after Grace died. Something that has always stuck with me was something my best friend said to me after Grace's funeral. She told me that even though I could smile, hold a conversation and even laugh, my eyes were sad. I've come to find out, over this journey that it's a lot easier to fake a smile than I ever realized..

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month & Capture your grief

 Did you know that October is Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month? . This is not something that in our society, we like to talk and hear about. It is easier for someone to acknowlege that a baby who lived, has died than people to talk about miscarriage, or stillbirth. I'm not sure why. This month, though we will strive to bring awareness to the fact that babies die, both inside and outside the womb and that mothers endure the heartache of pregnany loss, miscarriage.Two years ago I didn't know that October was PAIL awareness month. I had not yet experienced either one. And I was certain I never would. Two years ago, in October I was pregnant with my fourth child, my fourth pregnancy. I never would have imagined that now in October 2012 I would have four children at home, but have been pregnant 6 times. I have experienced infant loss, as well as a pregnancy loss. A short 5.5 weeks after Grace died, I discovered, on my birthday that I was very unexpectedly pregnant. If I'm to be honest, I was devastated. I had just lost Grace, I was not at all ready to have another baby. It was a Thursday and though it was such a shock, by Monday morning I was feeling much better. Over the weekend I had just thought and thought and let myself warm to the idea, I had started to be actually happy about bringing another baby into our family and felt that maybe I was strong enough to do it. I felt hope. Very early Tuesday morning, much like so many miscarriage stories, I began to bleed.On my daughters 6 month birthday, I miscarried my 5th pregnancy.  It was so so heartbreaking. Of course, I felt terribly guilty that it was happening because of my initial reaction.
It was a very early loss, only between 4 and 5 weeks likely but it was a loss nonetheless.
In this month, I encourage you to speak out about your losses, to let the world know you have babies, who you miss, who you love, who you wanted so very much. If you have not had any losses at all, acknowledge those who have. Do something nice for a friend who is suffering. Make a meal, bring coffee, send a card or even just a text or email. "I am thinking of you, and your beautiful babies". Any acknowledgement makes a difference.
During this month, I will participate in  Capture Your Grief 2012 at
I missed taking a picture yesterday, the subject yesterday was "sunrise" and I did not see the sunrise and though I could have taken a different picture, I did not. Today the subject is a picture of before loss.
This picture was taken just a few weeks before I became pregnant with Grace. We were so happy. We had decided on a whim to drive up to Boston for the weekend. We just had so much fun with our kids and I remember being so very happy. Feeling like our lives were so full. We were just a few weeks away from leaving the Navy and I knew our lives were going to change. So much. I had no idea how so very different things were going to become. I very very often think of this trip, it was a wonderful time. It feels like a lifetime ago.