Tuesday, December 27, 2011

9 months

Today Grace would have been 9 months old. 9 months was always a big deal to me, I don't know why it just feels like a big month. As always, I wonder what she would be like. I wonder how big she would have been, what size clothes she would have been in. When she died, she was squeezing into 3-6 mos still but most were on their way out and the majority were 6-9 and sometimes even a 12 mo since her clothes needed to be a little roomier than most. I wonder what she would think of all the rain we've been having, she would have hated it I'm sure. One drop hitting her probably would have really made her angry. (Not that she would have been in the rain much...) I think she would have liked sitting and watching the lights on the Christmas tree and I think the noise of the wrapping paper would have annoyed her.
Not a second goes by that I don't think of her or miss her.
Happy 9 month Birthday my Beautiful Girl.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Grace's Tree.

The Navy was good for our family for many reasons and one of them being the family we have accumulated along the way. Each duty station brought new friends who became our family. All over the U.S we have family we might never actually see again but who are so very dear to our hearts. From a distance so many of them have made such a difference in our journey with Grace.
One family has done something so thoughtful and touching in our sweet Grace's memory.

This beautiful tree has been planted in a park very close to our house for Grace. Adam texted me about it when I was at an appointment with one of the kids and I just started crying. I am so touched and excited over this. It is planted right by the playground in the park so when we take the boys to play we can also enjoy our Grace tree. I am so excited for the spring and for the tree to bloom. I am sure it is going to be absolutely beautiful! Thank you John, Adrienne and Jacob, we absolutely love it and am sure Grace does too!
Oh, if you are local and want to know what park this is in, contact me and I'll let you know, I'm just not wanting to post it here!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I had the best on intentions, but fell short! I spent November not posting the way I thought but I did make a marked effort to be thankful as I went about my days. I did pretty well. At first. I kept pretty busy and stayed pretty happy. Then I'm not sure what happened but then I became a mess. Grief I suppose is that way. Stuck in my sorrow is how I've spent the last few weeks if I'm to be completley honest. Sad. So sad. I just want my little girl back. I know, I know, she's safe in the arms of God, she is not suffering anymore (because really no matter how much I never wanted to admit it, she did alot of suffering) she is in no pain, she has no annoying nasal canulas, no painful gtube to clean around etc. She is whole and perfect, even more beautiful in Heaven than she was on this Earth. But she's not in MY arms. She's not sleeping on my chest, sprawled out in a way that made her physical therapist cringe. She's not staring at me talk to her as if I am the most interesting thing she's ever seen.She is not throwing a fit so loud that I can hear from the hallway or the room next door.  Her name is rarely spoken outside of my home, by others than myself. I know she's always with me, there are distinct times where I know she's been here but it's not the same. I still want her physically here. Dressed in the cutest stinking Christmas dress ever. With one of her bows or flowers on her head. In just a few days we will pass the mark of her being dead longer than she was alive. How is that even possible? The other day we were at a Christmas party with people who we didnt know and who didn't know us. A few knew us and knew about Grace (we only actually know them because of Grace) but I mentioned the 3 boys at home and someone said "oh you have 3 kids? how old?" and I didn't tell her I had 4. I told her about my boys and not my precious girl. And I felt awful and have ever since. I didn't want to be the party ruiner. And that makes me sad, sad to know that yes, if I do talk about my daughter I am putting a damper on something, at the very least making someone uncomfortable or sad or making them feel pity on me.
I am hoping and praying so much to shed this sadness. My brain knows that I am doing nothing to honor my amazing daughter by crying and being sad and missing her, but right now all my heart wants is to see her again right now. Like yesterday.