Happy birthday

 Today my oldest child turns 20 years old. This just happens to be the age that I was when he was born...

When I turned 20 I had already been married for 4 months and I would be a mother before I reached my half birthday. All that I wanted when I was 20 was to be a good mom. I wanted everyone to believe I was a good mom. Now all that I want for my son's 20th birthday is for him to know how deeply loved and important he is. For him to know that his very existence means so much more to so many people than he will ever understand. I just want him to know that I have been grateful for his presence from the day I learned that he was coming. I want him to know that I have always been and always will be immensely proud of him and in his corner.

My son has been a part of me, for half of my life now. Soon, I will have lived more life with him than I have without him. I can hardly remember a life where he was wasn't included and I hope I never have to know a life without him.

I used to get so upset when he was a baby and people thought I was his babysitter or his older sister.

I am his mom I would say and they would be shocked. Looking back I can understand why. I really was just a child myself. Not nearly as grown as I touted myself to be. He grew up with a mother who had not quite grown up herself. That I believe, has been both a blessing and a detriment.

I look back over the last 20'years of parenting and all of my mistakes and sins and downright failures stare my right in the face. I remember it all. The pain that I've caused my child(ren) due to my unhealed pain, the trauma that I've bled onto them, it's an incredibly jagged pill to swallow. But, God is so good isn't He? He loves me (and my kiddos) so much that He heals all of my broken places, binds up all of my wounds and reminds me that he loves me so much more than I'll ever be able to comprehend, infinitely more than I'll ever be able to communicate. He has taught me how to love. I am able to love my children because I am so very loved by God.

When you become a parent, whether it is for the first time or the 10th time, you imagine what this child will become, you have hopes and dreams and whether you realize it or not, you place expectations for what their lives will be... I have learned that no matter what, our kids will always far exceed all of our expectations. They will bring infinitely more to our lives than we ever imagined.

We think we will teach our children about life, but, our children will teach us far more about life than we could ever hope to teach them, if we are just willing to listen, to be open to it.

We have had years of hard, where nothing at all seems to be going right. Where the dark days far outnumber the light. Where every single time we feel like we might survive, we are sucked back down.

It has been a very heartbreaking journey if I am honest but I want him to know these things.

I am immensely proud of the person he is. What he has done or has not done, actually doesn't mean anything to me. He has a heart of gold.

That's what they never teach you about having kids. That all you'll care about is if they are kind, if they love well, if they see a person who needs help and they help. I am certainly proud of his brains, I am certainly excited when he accomplishes something but what I am most proud of is who he is.

He has taught me what it means to persevere. To continue to put one foot in front of the other and never give up. To decide that you are going to be who you are, and not worry at all what someone else will think or say. What a strength to have.

He has taught me to be brave. To ask for help when it is hard. To never be afraid to save your own life. He has taught me that you can find your way back from anything and from anywhere.

He has taught me the very meaning of grace.

My life is better because he is in it. And while there have been many roadblocks for him and things haven't quite gone as maybe he would have planned I hope that he knows that he's so loved and so valued he is so important and God has such an amazing plan for his life and I am so glad that I get to be a part of it. I am so glad that I get to watch him grow and get to watch him learn and I get to watch him be an amazing man. I get to see him be kind and caring and loving I get to see him make a difference even when he thinks he doesn't

It has been a complete honor to grow up with you Tyler Jacob Hall.

I hope that you never stop believing that great things are in the works for you and that you are worthy all the good things this life has to offer I hope that you know that life it is hard but oh it is so worth it and God and your mom and dad will always be there for you. 

Happy 20th birthday.