On Saturday October 8th, one day shy of Grace's 2 month "angelversary" (did you know that's a term used for the day your child died? Makes it sound "better" I guess) we went back to U of M. Each year they hold a Walk to Remember and Tree Planting Ceremony in memory of all the beautiful babies lost. It was the first time we had been back up there since Grace passed and as we got closer it got harder. I'm glad Adam was driving because I might have turned around. It was just so hard as we got closer because I started remembering how when she was here, I would love getting closer because I was almost to my girl! We met up with 3 other families that lost thier sweet babies, I've blogged about them all before actually. Emma, Eva and Aiden families, it was nice to see them, as they've all been a big part of my healing process. We had dinner with them as well as another family from the NICU.
There were two speaker, one Neonatologist, who I remembered seeing but honestly don't know if she ever had anything to do with Grace. But what she said made me cry. Then there was a parent speaker. A woman who had lost her son 19 (i think) years ago. Her son lived a much shorter life than Grace and did not have CDH but she just reduced me to a sobbing mess. She spoke of many of the feelings and emotions that I have, but her son also arrived atHolden like Grace, as an emergent transport which just made me think about the day Grace was born and just how incredibly scary it was. Then we walked through the Arboretum and had a short ceremony for the tree planting. The tree was an Apricot Brandy Magnolia, it was already planted but we all had the opportunity to help mulch it. It was actually a very healing day for me, I am so glad I went to it. Somehow it helped. We went back to the NICU afterwards with Emma's parents. It was nice to see some of the staff that was so helpful to us along the way.
Not a second goes by that I don't miss her. Before I was even pregnant with her, I knew one day I would have another baby because it always just felt like there was someone missing. I didn't know who, but I felt like when we were all together, our family just wasn't complete. It's so sad to still feel that way, even though I have carried and birthed 4 children.
I haven't really been around here, I've had alot of just awful very sad, very hard days. So much I don't understand and never will and am not supposed to. Sometimes I am so ok with that, sometimes I can accept so readily and easily that she passed, it was just her time, just her purpose and others, I am driving myself crazy with "what ifs,if only's and whys" I replay the day of her death in my head because I just do not understand it, I do not understand what happened. I have so many questions about htat day that I didn't even think to ask then. Ilook at her pictures and cant understand how a baby so FULL of life could die, some pictures, if you took the nasal cannula away, you wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong!
But mostly, I am ok, we are ok. I would have considered Adam and I to have a good, strong marriage before, but through this we are stronger. I would have considered myself a good mother before, but through this I am better.
I will NEVER get over this, but somehow, I AM moving THROUGH it. I'll never understand why I didn't get to keep her, but I am so very glad I got the time I did with her.
We planted her garden, next spring we will do even more. I am happy with it. There are alot squirrels playing and digging in it, but the plants do seem to be doing pretty good. I like having it, because somehow it feels like she is here with us.
I'd like to thank everyone for thier support and love through all of this. So many have reached out to us by this blog, facebook, email, regular mail etc. Some of you, we don't even know! I am slow to get thank you's out but please know that not a single gesture of kindness has been in vain or unnoticed. At times Ive been overwhealmed with how great you all are! Thank you all so very much.