Saturday, November 10, 2012
I never doubted that I would be a mother. Ever. I always knew I would have kids and more than one. I did start wondering if I'd ever have a daughter. And I did. But the one thing I never considered was that I'd be a mother to a dead child. A dead daughter. I can't wrap my mind around it. How did this happen to me? My heart hurts. So badly. 15 months ago, when she died I wondered how I was going to survive. I don't know how I have, but I have. Things are different this year, than last.. A year ago, I was a mess and there were days that I couldn't get off of the couch. My boys watched too much tv and saw their mom cry too much. Bills were paid late, simply because I was too much of an unorganized mess to remember to pay them. I've learned to deal with all of it and I don't sit around and cry, I hardly ever sit down, let alone do nothing but sit on the couch.Housework gets done and bills get paid.Things appear "normal". None of this is to say that it's any easier. I have found ways to cope. But lately I don't know why, but my heart feels so heavy. I feel the suffocating grief inching its way back...I don't know what is triggering it, it is only the last week or so, I just don't know. I long for my baby girl. So much lately. I just miss her.