Thursday, March 27, 2014

Happy Birthday Beauty Girl

It's Grace's birthday. 3 years old. How quickly and how slowly time has passed. Birthdays are so special. The start of your life. A profound day, even if one doesn't feel it is. A celebration.
But how do you celebrate a birthday of someone who is now dead? Someone who, never got to celebrate their own birthday? Not even once? It's hard. Like everything that goes with having lost a child, it is a struggle. To be honest, each year I just want to stay in bed and cry. In so many many ways, it was not Grace's death that the grieving began, it was her birth. The losses started immediately. "This was not how it was supposed to be" a phrase that echoed repeatedly in my mind.
It is so hard to know what we should have today, how we thought it would be. To picture in our minds, what kind of party she would have? 3 is so fun. How much would she giggle over her gifts as she opened them? It's almost impossible for her death to not be on our minds on her birthday as well.

But, this is how it was supposed to be. Her BIRTHDAY is to be celebrated.3 years ago today, a miracle occurred. Her name is Grace Fenella Hall. 12:07 am, she came rushing into this world. Changing lives immediately. Of course our little drama queen was born just after midnight, on a sunday, barely minutes after we were admitted, nothing prepared for delivery, in a hospital without a NICU and with a very serious unkown birth defect. I think about her delivery often, how really it was all "wrong." But it was the way it was meant to be, even if it makes no sense. I still remember the stories in the following days, of family members telling people about her, but those people already had heard about her, having heard about her from someone else.

It is hard to accept that we only had 4.5 months with her, but the reality is, we were so blessed to have that much time. Every odd was stacked against her and she was truly the most amazing baby. She survived so much. She fought so hard. I've never seen such bravery.

I will never forget the surgeon who told me, only days before she died that he believed in medicine because he was a Dr but that Grace wasn't alive still because of medicine. He said she was truly a miracle and that there was something else about her. At her funeral a nurse told me that in all her years, she had seen so many babies and so many fight through so much but that she had never seen a baby fight and survive the way Grace did. So many times before Aug 9, Grace should have died and she didn't. Daily, miracles occurred. We get hung up on the feeling that we didn't get our miracle, the ability to bring our daughter home and raise her. But we did, we got 4.5 mos of miracles. The time she clotted off 3 ECMO circuits in 20 mins and was being kept alive by a surgeon performing chest compressions. The simple fact that she was able to survive an ambulance ride, and a helicopter ride, 3 hospitals in the first 8 hours of her life. The fact that after not being held or barely touched for 2 months, she was only happy when being held. The fact that she knew her brothers. So many miracles.

Three years ago, with the birth of Grace, my world and many others were changed. The lessons she taught me are always there. I may struggle with putting them into action in my life but she is woven into every part of my life. Her life was a blessing.

Happy birthday my beautiful girl, your life may not have been as long as we had wanted but you surely left your mark on this world. Your beauty and your grace still show today and your blessings still abound. Thank you our amazing Grace for the gift of your life on this day, 3 years ago.

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