Friday, January 2, 2015

The year is coming to an end. Another year gone by without our Gracie Girl. Another year of healing, and yet another year of indescribable pain. Another year of struggles and another year of triumphs.
She would be turning 4 in 3 short months. That just seems impossible. 
I want to blog more in the coming year, maybe it would be helpful. I have many drafts that I never publish because I think "who cares" or figure either nobody is reading anyway or if they are, they are tired of the same old story. But, maybe that's not true. And maybe it is, but maybe it would be helpful to me. 
"If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"  (anna Nalick:Breathe)

That's what it feels like, like I need to write here, to get it out. Maybe if I come here and write more, it won't be stuck inside of me, slowly eating away and bottling up until it comes out in ways that are unhealthy to me, to my family. Finding the time is difficult though. Priorities. I've been giving it a lot of thought. Perhaps allowing myself to get it out, here, is more important than making sure I get one more load of laundry in, or making sure the toys are picked up. I think I forget that I do need to be spending time working on my mental health and grief more than I do. It does need to be a priority and its usually what I push aside most often and it's just not healthy anymore. 

I hate the way grief is. I hate how I don't even see it coming. I hate how it is ever changing. How the triggers change so that I can't always know that something is going to affect me. I hate that I cannot control it. I hate how it affects my children. My sons, do not deserve any of this, they are just children. Thier innocence stolen so young. 
We've come a long way in the almost 4 years since she was born and the 3.5 since she died but we still have such a long way to go.  I don't think anyone at all has any idea how much we still struggle and most of the time, I don't think we even realize it and certainly don't advertise it.
It's time and I'm ready. I want happiness. Of course we've had happiness, a LOT of happiness in the years since Grace was born and we lost her but there's always sadness. There's always SO much sadness. I'm ready and I want to live a life, not just myself but our whole family, that makes my daughter proud. For 4 years it has been, "yes we are blessed, we have 3 amazing sons, BUT our daughter is fighting for her life" or "yes, we are blessed, we have 4 sons who we love so much BUT, our amazing girl is dead" or "yes, life is good, we are raising 5 healthy and striving kids BUT it wasn't supposed to be this way, there should be 6". I want to stop with the BUT. It doesn't mean I want to forget or leave her behind but what it means is that I feel like our grief is destroying our family and I want to make it stop. We are allowing it to become us. We've shied away from friendships because it's just easier to not let anyone in than to share our story. We've missed opportunities because we were too consumed by our sorrows. Relationships worn thin. Our grief projected onto others. This year I want to change and I want simply to be better. This is our story, this is our life and I'm ready to really live it. 

1 comment:

  1. I really like your blog. I cannot remember when I first read it, if it was before my daughter was born with CDH on 3/8/2014 or after she died on 6/1/2014. So many times people keep blogs while their CDH baby is alive and then afterwards they keep the blog showing them growing up and being happy. Most of the time when CDH babies die, people just stop writing and then other people who have CDH babies who die feel so alone. For what it is worth, your blog has helped me see that my grief is normal. Thinking of you in the new year!