My blogging is inconsistent to say the least. I was so looking forward to participating in October's "capture your grief"project, and had hoped it would be helpful to myself and maybe my fellow BLM's but what happened was pretty surprising to me. Instead of capturing my grief, quite honestly, my grief captured me. I simply couldn't do it. I am amazed that I survived October. Many moms describe grieving their babies as coming in waves. You are fine, then a wave comes rushing in, knocks you off your feet and then it's calm again. Over and over again. October was a tsunami.
I'm not entirely sure why. I think that it had been leading up for quite some time. We've had a rough year again, many (very expensive) things went wrong with our home, beginning in May and I weathered it all well I felt. I became pregnant in August and I miscarried in September and then in October one event just set into motion one of the hardest months of grief that I have had since 2011. Because of the hole I was in, I almost lost one of my longest and closest friends, she didn't do anything but be honest with me and I ended the conversation, deactivated my facebook account and was ready to just be done with everyone. She wouldn't let me. Within seconds she reached back out to me, she extended grace to me that I wasn't willing to extend to me. Her actions, along with countless other friends, and an amazing month of messages at church slowly brought me out of the dark hole I was drowning in. I was so glad for October to be over. It really was rough.
In November, I became pregnant again. I would have been due on the last day I saw my daughter alive, 3 years later. But once again, at 6 wks I miscarried. That hole was going to be even darker and deeper than October. The first two days, I felt an anger and sadness and hopelessness that I can't even describe. Despair doesn't even come close. But instead of keeping it quiet, instead of trying to just ignore it and hope it went away, I opened up. I told some great people what was going on. Immediately they all said amazing things to me, prayed amazing prayers for me. Extended much empathy and grace to me to keep me from going as deep and dark as I could have. Reminded me that yes, this is terrible what I am going through, what I have gone through BUT oh, how blessed I am! How much love I have, not only through these 5 (big and little) men in my home and my beautiful angel girl, but my savior, who also suffered and the many many people he has laid in my path to encourage, love and guide me.
This is not my home. I wanted my Grace and I wanted the babies I lost this year here, I wanted this life with them. But I will have them, in Heaven, where I will have far more time and beauty with them there, than I ever could hope for here. I am thankful for those who have helped me remember this.
One of my sons said to me "I wish we could go back to Connecticut, to how life was there" and I have thought that for the last 3 years too. It's not just that we hadn't experienced the loss of one of our kids, it wasn't that we hadn't had hard times. But we hadn't experienced anything as bad to really break us down and crush us. But truly, we hadn't experienced the beauty either. In this coming year, I want my son (and me!) to decide that life here, our life, our beautifully broken crazy life is still good. We can be as happy as we were then. It's just going to take some work. I'm willing to do so.