I had the best on intentions, but fell short! I spent November not posting the way I thought but I did make a marked effort to be thankful as I went about my days. I did pretty well. At first. I kept pretty busy and stayed pretty happy. Then I'm not sure what happened but then I became a mess. Grief I suppose is that way. Stuck in my sorrow is how I've spent the last few weeks if I'm to be completley honest. Sad. So sad. I just want my little girl back. I know, I know, she's safe in the arms of God, she is not suffering anymore (because really no matter how much I never wanted to admit it, she did alot of suffering) she is in no pain, she has no annoying nasal canulas, no painful gtube to clean around etc. She is whole and perfect, even more beautiful in Heaven than she was on this Earth. But she's not in MY arms. She's not sleeping on my chest, sprawled out in a way that made her physical therapist cringe. She's not staring at me talk to her as if I am the most interesting thing she's ever seen.She is not throwing a fit so loud that I can hear from the hallway or the room next door. Her name is rarely spoken outside of my home, by others than myself. I know she's always with me, there are distinct times where I know she's been here but it's not the same. I still want her physically here. Dressed in the cutest stinking Christmas dress ever. With one of her bows or flowers on her head. In just a few days we will pass the mark of her being dead longer than she was alive. How is that even possible? The other day we were at a Christmas party with people who we didnt know and who didn't know us. A few knew us and knew about Grace (we only actually know them because of Grace) but I mentioned the 3 boys at home and someone said "oh you have 3 kids? how old?" and I didn't tell her I had 4. I told her about my boys and not my precious girl. And I felt awful and have ever since. I didn't want to be the party ruiner. And that makes me sad, sad to know that yes, if I do talk about my daughter I am putting a damper on something, at the very least making someone uncomfortable or sad or making them feel pity on me.
I am hoping and praying so much to shed this sadness. My brain knows that I am doing nothing to honor my amazing daughter by crying and being sad and missing her, but right now all my heart wants is to see her again right now. Like yesterday.