In the past I've participated in different things like Octobers "capture your grief" or Novembers "30 days of thanks" and have just blogged when I felt the need or desire to. None of it has ever given me so much of what I was looking for though.. Back in January I had the opportunity to tell some parts of Grace's story out loud. It proved to be much more emotional than I had imagined and I realized that in 5 years, I hadnt spoken much of her story out loud at all. Once she died, either most people already knew what had happened or didn't really much care to hear much after "our daughter died" and Im never really sure how many details people want or can handle. .. I realized so much of her story just stays in MY heart. Sometimes people say theyd like to hear it, but then there isn't time or opportunity. Other times I am sure people are curious but do not want to be rude, or whatever. I have decided that I want to write it all out. For anyone who is interested but also for me.
People often ask "did you always want a lot of kids? Did you plan on having a big family?" and for Adam the answer would be absolutely not, and for me its more open. Ive never really known how many kids I wanted and always sort of figured it wasn't my decision. But that being said, we were pretty sure our 3 boys were going to be "it". We were transitioning out of the Navy and things were going to be VERY different and we were pretty happy with our 3 boys who were getting older. We didn't have a job or house or anything lined up for when he got out of the Navy, but were working on it, its a whole process because youre basically just starting a totally new life. Not the time to have a baby honestly.
So of course a week before we were supposed to have the movers come and pack out the house, I felt a little funny. Adam had went out with a good friend for a farewell dinner and I went to Target, came home and took a pregnancy test. I still remember that one of the boys needed me so I left it on the tub and went and helped them and momentarily forgot about the test. I eventually went back and checked it out and the line was SO faint ( I was 6 days before my period was due) and I swore my eyes were playing tricks on me so I called my neighbor and had her meet me on the hill between our houses and she confirmed I wasn't crazy but that I was pregnant. What a total wrench in our plans but I was so happy!
We moved and things were a bit rough with trying to get all of our ducks in a row, and my being pregnant did complicate things but we were SO excited for this baby. I knew in my heart we were having a girl but I also had so many ominous feelings. I just felt like something was wrong, at first I was certain I was going to miscarry and then that something was wrong. I was SO sick. I had never felt so bad during pregnancy before.
We had an ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days and I was so scared that there would be no baby. This baby was so unexpected and the timing was awful. Our lives had never been so unstable. I remember my cousin telling me "hopefully this new baby brings you the grace you need in this time"
We had the ultrasound and we both cried watching this new unexpected life wiggle around on the screen. So beautiful and so full of hope and grace.. We were going to be ok. The office we were at had very good machines, the tech was very skilled at what she did. She was just chattting and mentioned that she had not been able to locate the entire diaphragm but that it was not a problem. I asked "its ok? not a big deal?' and she assured me that it was fine because she said I was still in the weeks when it is developing, she said "it develops until 11 weeks, youre fine and it will develop!' I said OK sounds good to me because she wasn't worried at all and how importatant is a diaphragm anyway? I promptly forgot about that conversation with her until many months later.
The pregnancy went along as normal. Adam did find a job, and it was going well until one day he still wasnt home after an hour past when he was supposed to be. I worry, when someone is late I worry immensely. I texted a few times with no response and then called his cell and it went straight to voicemail. Panic. Called his work but it was closed by then. He called a few minutes later. He was in a car accident. He had been rear ended by a semi truck on the turnpike. His car flippped numerous times and he ended up upside down in a ditch. He was driving a small nissan sentra and had been hit by an 18 wheeler...
He had no injuries other than a broken thumb and a shoulder injury. He did not have anything that was to be expected out of that sort of accident and he was alive. The trooper told me that he shouldn't be alive and should be in very bad shape, that someone knew he was needed here. We had no idea how much so.
We went for our ultrasound at 19w 5 days. The provider I saw at this point was different than the provider I had seen at 8 weeks. This new provider had you go to an ultrasound imaging office for your ultrasounds, who would then send a report to the dr/midwives. They had one Saturday a month that they offered and I was so excited they had an opening because that meant Adam could go! We took our 3 boys and the tech was not talkative or friendly and we were the last appt for her day. She was pretty quickly able to tell us we were having a GIRL. We were so happy. She didn't point a lot out but at one point she had me turn onto my side, lift my hips, she shook my belly..she said she was having trouble vewing all chambers of the heart.BUt then she said "oh there they all are and she showed me. then we were finished. I had never had to do so much moving and I just had a bad feeling. I asked "is our baby ok?" and she said "I can't tell you anything, your dr will talk to you about that". I felt uneasy. But then at my next appt they said the report said everything was great. So we continued on with a normal course of pregnancy. We bought a house and we started preparing for her arrival and we started to feel as though despite a rocky beginning, this civilian life was starting to settle down and wasn't so bad....