Despite the fact that its inevitable. If you are a living human being, you will experience grief at some point in your lifetime.
Grief that involves the loss of a child makes people especially uncomfortable.
Thankfully, not every person will experience the loss of a child though.
Because of our desire to not be uncomfortable, we try to make grief into something that it isn't.
What do I mean by that?
We beautify grief.
We do this in the way that we speak with and treat the grieving. We do this with the cards we send and the ways we choose to show up.
While I do think most people are well meaning, its hurtful and harmful even.
"She's in a better place"
"God must have needed her"
"You are SO strong"
"You are handling this SO well"
"I am so proud of how well you are doing"
"You are just amazing"
"You are going to bring so much good out of this"
" Let this be what brings you closer together instead of apart"
"You will see her again someday, focus on how beautiful that will be"
"Your strength is inspiring"
and so many more.
Maybe you're thinking "these are compliments and truths, what is wrong with any of this?"
The problem is this.
When we fail to acknowledge to the grieving parents how seriously awful what happened to their child was, we fail to create safety and space for grieving.
We do this because we do not want to face the discomfort of the situation.
It is so much easier to try to change the perspective of the situation, or try to band aid it than to recognize the absolute awful thing that happened.
Grief is not beautiful.
It's just not.
Sure, sometimes there are great things that a grieving person does, in ways like giving back and "making a difference" but the actual grief, is still ugly.
When we always try to put a positive spin on the reality of someone who is grieving we rob them the ability to be authentic and we even make it harder on them. Because when the realities of grief show up, they feel that they must be wrong, or they feel like they have failed at grieving properly, or they try SO hard to be the strong that everyone sees that they end up holding all of that grief in, which then maifests in all kinds of unhealthy are harmful ways, and only delays actual grief work.
Grief is ugly.
It demands to be felt.
It can look like rage, it can look like throwing dishes into a sink to break them, throwing dishes across the room.
It can look like walls broken in, kicked in, punched in,
It can look like being unable to rise from the floor, unable to catch your breath, being worried you might actually be suffocating from this pain.
It can look like anger, being short or rude to people in your interactions.
It can look like laziness, the inability to keep your home clean, your job done well or correctly.
It can look like forgetfullness, childrens projects left undone, forms not signed and sent into school.
Grief can make a home a battlefield.
Instead of trying to make grief beautiful to keep ourselves comfortable, lets show up for the grievers with the truth.
"This is absolutely terrible"
"You did not have enough time with your baby"
"My heart is absolutely broken for you, I just cannot believe this"
How does a person survive this"
"This makes absolutely no sense"
"I am so angry with you"
"babies should not die"
Grieving mothers need so much more than words that put pressure on them to be a good griever, they do not need another expectation placed on them. They need tangible help and people showing up in a safe way. They need to know that when their grief is demanding to be felt, when it can not be folded up and wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow, that is OK! Not only is it ok, it is NORMAL.
Grieving is ugly, it is hard, it is work.
Let us honor those in grief by recognizing that.
