Capture Your Grief Catch up.days 4&5

Wow, the days have just been getting away from me. We are just so busy and have had a few sick little ones. Thankfully everyone seems to be on the mend. Now to catch up.
Day 4. Most Treasured Item.
I had thought of this one a lot. I have so many treasured items of Grace's it is so hard to pick just one.
I picked this though, because I don't feel like I can ever be without it. I put this necklace on the day the funeral home gave it back to me after the cremation was finished and haven't been without it since. You see, this necklace is more than just a symbol of my love for her, it holds a small portion of her remains inside. It comforts me. It strengthens me. It means so much to me to have her so close to my heart.

Day 5. Memorial. Something that has been done as a memorial to your child.
In Grace's memory, we have planted a garden at our home. Our friends had a tree planted at a nearby park. Adam has a tattoo.

 

 

 

  

Capture Your Grief day 3. Self portrait after loss

This was just a few weeks after Grace died. Something that has always stuck with me was something my best friend said to me after Grace's funeral. She told me that even though I could smile, hold a conversation and even laugh, my eyes were sad. I've come to find out, over this journey that it's a lot easier to fake a smile than I ever realized..

Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month & Capture your grief

 Did you know that October is Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month? . This is not something that in our society, we like to talk and hear about. It is easier for someone to acknowlege that a baby who lived, has died than people to talk about miscarriage, or stillbirth. I'm not sure why. This month, though we will strive to bring awareness to the fact that babies die, both inside and outside the womb and that mothers endure the heartache of pregnany loss, miscarriage.Two years ago I didn't know that October was PAIL awareness month. I had not yet experienced either one. And I was certain I never would. Two years ago, in October I was pregnant with my fourth child, my fourth pregnancy. I never would have imagined that now in October 2012 I would have four children at home, but have been pregnant 6 times. I have experienced infant loss, as well as a pregnancy loss. A short 5.5 weeks after Grace died, I discovered, on my birthday that I was very unexpectedly pregnant. If I'm to be honest, I was devastated. I had just lost Grace, I was not at all ready to have another baby. It was a Thursday and though it was such a shock, by Monday morning I was feeling much better. Over the weekend I had just thought and thought and let myself warm to the idea, I had started to be actually happy about bringing another baby into our family and felt that maybe I was strong enough to do it. I felt hope. Very early Tuesday morning, much like so many miscarriage stories, I began to bleed.On my daughters 6 month birthday, I miscarried my 5th pregnancy.  It was so so heartbreaking. Of course, I felt terribly guilty that it was happening because of my initial reaction.
It was a very early loss, only between 4 and 5 weeks likely but it was a loss nonetheless.
In this month, I encourage you to speak out about your losses, to let the world know you have babies, who you miss, who you love, who you wanted so very much. If you have not had any losses at all, acknowledge those who have. Do something nice for a friend who is suffering. Make a meal, bring coffee, send a card or even just a text or email. "I am thinking of you, and your beautiful babies". Any acknowledgement makes a difference.
During this month, I will participate in  Capture Your Grief 2012 at http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/
I missed taking a picture yesterday, the subject yesterday was "sunrise" and I did not see the sunrise and though I could have taken a different picture, I did not. Today the subject is a picture of before loss.

This picture was taken just a few weeks before I became pregnant with Grace. We were so happy. We had decided on a whim to drive up to Boston for the weekend. We just had so much fun with our kids and I remember being so very happy. Feeling like our lives were so full. We were just a few weeks away from leaving the Navy and I knew our lives were going to change. So much. I had no idea how so very different things were going to become. I very very often think of this trip, it was a wonderful time. It feels like a lifetime ago.

I never intended on going this long without updating. I created this blog when Grace was a day or two old so that I could easily keep everyone informed about her, since I did not have the time or energy to relay what was going on numerous times. When she died, I decided to continue updating periodically when I felt like it, in hopes that maybe I might reach someone who needed it. That maybe even though, ultimately she didn't survive CDH, her story may help someone. I know there are many blogs that have helped me through this process. I haven't written in so long because I just could not. I have so many drafts that I haven't finished or published since March.
A lot of it has to do with time, I haven't had a lot of time or energy to update but moreso it has to do with me. I somehow became so angry, so sad, so scared and upset that when I would write on here, it was just anger and sorrow. I was so hopeless. I felt like anything that I typed, no matter what the actual words, just came out as a scream. That's all I felt like doing. Screaming. In pain, sorrow, anger, frustration, confusion etc.
My daughter died. I will never again, this side of Heaven, hold her, touch her, hear her beautiful cry. I have never heard the words "I love you mommy" come from her mouth. I've never heard a single word spoken from her. There are SO many things I never got and never will get and somedays it is SO hard to handle. I spent much of the spring and summer just focused on everything I didn't and won't get.It just doesn't make sense. With every fiber of my being, I love that baby girl.I wanted her more than words could ever explain. So, I got into a huge funk and couldn't get out. I would try and then something else would just knock me back into it. A well meaning stranger who would unkowingly comment on my 3 boys and obviously pregnant belly "I sure hope you're having a girl this time" or "all boys?! No girls?" and because I didn't want to make them feel bad, I'd just smile and say we were having another boy or say, yes all boys. And then desperately try to hold it together. Sometimes failing.
In preparation for our new son, we needed to paint Grace's room, to become his room. I couldn't fathom the thought at first, it made me sick. But as time went on, I grew excited because I could not wait to meet him, to bring him into our family. Always missing her, but already so in love with him. I was not at all prepared for the downward spiral of grief I fell into when we did paint the room. It was painful. I kept thinking "it's not fair, I want them both. I want this little boy so so much, but I want Grace too. I want to be trying to figure out how to fit 5 kids between 3 bedrooms, preparing for 2 kids under 2 again!" It was all just too hard. I was excited and happy for him, but always in the back of my mind I was so scared to lose him. I don't even think I realized how scared I was until, I was in labor and now.
I think I spent my pregnancy confused, how can I go on to have another baby, how can I be happy and excited and hopeful when my daughter is dead. That is for most mothers the worst fear, I know it was always mine. And now it is realized. So as I got closer and closer to my fifth child's birth and further and further from my fourth child's life, I became more and more confused and upset because I wanted, so badly to not let this baby live in Grace's shadow. How could I hold him and how could he CRY at birth, without me immediately thinking of her? How could I rejoice in him, without grieving her? They both are vital, they both need to happen, but how do they exist with each other? Would people think, would Grace think that because I was so in love with this little boy, because I was so happy and excited about him, that I had moved on? That the first thought in my head and feeling in my heart, always, was no longer her? The feeling of "it's not fair, I want BOTH of them" always always came back.
And then there was again the fear. Despite all the high risk ultrasounds I had with him, what if at birth it all went wrong again? What if they were looking so closely for CDH (Grace was not diagnosed until she was born, so we wanted to make sure it didn't happen again) that they missed something else? What if they didn't look at her heart closely enough because they were too focused on her diaphragm?
All of it, was just too much. I don't think anyone at all knew how hard of a time I was having, I couldn't let anyone know.. I couldn't blog about it, I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't even pray about it most of the time. Every so often I could type on messenger with a close friend about it, and I'm thankful for that. People would ask if I was nervous, or if I was scared or how I felt etc, and all I could say was "im fine" "i know he's healthy" but I didnt really believe it.
I had no need to be afraid. No need to even worry.
I was sent this gift, this amazing gift that was hand picked by God and Grace. A gift to show me, how much hope there still is, to help me out of the pit of grief that I had found myself in. The day my fourth son was born, I felt my daughters prescence stronger than I ever had. A friend has told me that Grace does not want her death to defeat me, and I had forgotten. During my pregnancy I was letting it defeat me. Grace reminded me of that, and every single time I look at her baby brother, I know both God and Grace have never once left me or my family. They've been by my side the entire time.
My grief and my joy, they can live together. Somehow, they do exist together and I am going to be ok. My family is going to be ok.
Caleb Gracen has been such a blessing to me. I began suffocating in sadness and he has shown me, it's ok to breathe. His sister lent him her cheeks and her attitude and I know that when he fixes his eyes on her pictures, he knows her. I know she helped him on his journey to our family.

                                                        Caleb Gracen 7/31/2012

                                              4 boys and 1 beautiful girl. I am blessed.

He makes beautiful things..

My sweet Grace, remains forever, the most beautiful girl in the world. Her life, everything about her, she was beauty. That He created. I miss her, every second of every day. This life without her gets easier at times and harder at others. Its really all very strange and hard to explain unless you've lived it.
When she was alive, I loved this song, I felt it was "hers". After she died, I still love it, it has just taken a different meaning.

All this pain..
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?

You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.
All around,
Hope is springing up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.

He makes beautiful things. There is Hope, even in the chaos and in the pain. He is making this beautiful thing currently:

This is Grace's little brother. He is 20 wks 5 days along, growing exactly as he should. He is due only 12 short days before the first anniversary of his beautiful big sister's death. Expecting him, makes not having Grace so much harder but I am so much more aware of what a miracle he is.  I can feel him kicking, a year ago, it was her I felt kicking. I am thrilled, beyond belief that he is healthy, that we are not facing another NICU stay, another possibility of planning another funeral.
Preparing for him, means moving forward from Grace in a way I am not and haven't been ready to and never could really foresee a time when I would be ready. He can't wear any of Grace's pink clothes, he can't sleep in Grace's lavendar room. He can't ride around in Grace's pink and flowery stroller and carseat. All things I'm still clinging to, because they were hers. I don't know what I'm going to do with her things, but I know, truly that putting them away is important, a necessary step in the "healing process"
We are so so so thankful for this beautiful blessing. So thankful he is healthy, I can't wait to meet him.
Please continue to keep our family in your prayers.

7 mos yesterday

Yesterday marked 7 mos since Grace died. I cannot believe how quickly time is going by. Her birthday is coming up and somedays, I don't think I can handle it passing without her. Somedays, I wonder how I'll even be able to do anything but cry that day. But I know I will. I miss her, I miss the weight of her in my arms so much. The feel of her sweet little head and chubby cheeks on my chest.I miss my arms going numb and struggling to stay awake after holding her for hours. That little girl was like instant sleep dust when you held her, she'd fall asleep and very shortly you'd find yourself struggling to stay awake unless you had something else to keep you occupied! I miss the way she'd wake up, and just look up at you, with the cutest look ever. I miss her smell and the way that she always would hold on to the hood strings of my sweatshirts, and the way that she would sit and finger the ruffles on the fronts of her outfits. I can't wait to see her again.

.

Miss her so much..

Just missing my girl so much and thought I'd share some pictures. What a precious baby she was.

But for comparrison, look how far she had come! She was truly the most amazing child I will ever meet.