Thursday, March 15, 2012

He makes beautiful things..

My sweet Grace, remains forever, the most beautiful girl in the world. Her life, everything about her, she was beauty. That He created. I miss her, every second of every day. This life without her gets easier at times and harder at others. Its really all very strange and hard to explain unless you've lived it.
When she was alive, I loved this song, I felt it was "hers". After she died, I still love it, it has just taken a different meaning.

All this pain..
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?

You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.
All around,
Hope is springing up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.

He makes beautiful things. There is Hope, even in the chaos and in the pain. He is making this beautiful thing currently:
This is Grace's little brother. He is 20 wks 5 days along, growing exactly as he should. He is due only 12 short days before the first anniversary of his beautiful big sister's death. Expecting him, makes not having Grace so much harder but I am so much more aware of what a miracle he is.  I can feel him kicking, a year ago, it was her I felt kicking. I am thrilled, beyond belief that he is healthy, that we are not facing another NICU stay, another possibility of planning another funeral.
Preparing for him, means moving forward from Grace in a way I am not and haven't been ready to and never could really foresee a time when I would be ready. He can't wear any of Grace's pink clothes, he can't sleep in Grace's lavendar room. He can't ride around in Grace's pink and flowery stroller and carseat. All things I'm still clinging to, because they were hers. I don't know what I'm going to do with her things, but I know, truly that putting them away is important, a necessary step in the "healing process"
We are so so so thankful for this beautiful blessing. So thankful he is healthy, I can't wait to meet him.
Please continue to keep our family in your prayers.
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4 comments:

  1. JanettaMarch 16, 2012 9:51 AM

    I love your family. I don'tknow why the big guy does what he does but god bless this little amazing boy and your family!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. CorinneMarch 17, 2012 11:04 PM

    Miranda,
    So here is the weird thing... I don't really even *know* you and yet I am crying! I have tears of sadness for your mama-heart missing Grace AND tears of absolute reverent joy for that new baby waiting to come. Congratulations. Thank you for sharing this news with us, for sharing this reminder that our pain is always our pain but it does not ever erase our ability to feel joy, love, hope, more love.

    AND welcome to the mama of 4 boys club. :)

    Corinne
    Mama to Samuel (and his 3 brothers)

    ReplyDelete
  3. A MusedJuly 06, 2012 11:31 AM

    Miranda,

    A very warm congrats on the pending arrival of your little boy. There is no replacement for Grace, you can only add to what you have previously gained and lost.

    Trust me when I tell you that the arrival of this baby simply equates to "more". You will always have Grace and the love she brought and this little guy will only bring more into your live; never replace it.

    Congrats on your Rainbow baby.

    Renee
    Mom to:
    2 Angels
    1 Rainbow Baby
    1 CDH'r

    ReplyDelete
  4. CorinneAugust 30, 2012 1:09 AM

    Dear Miranda, I just saw your post on Alex Wesson's (Oliver's) blog and I thought of you, and beautiful Grace, and your 4th boy who must be almost here or already here. I don't know how to contact you except for here. I would love to hear how you are doing and news of your babe. Thinking of you, CDH mama.
    Corinne
    austinfamily@hotmail.ca

    ReplyDelete

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