Oh sneaky grief..

Grief is surprising. It's frustrating too. I have had many people tell me, or I've read that after awhile, they can choose to grieve. That they can keep it all bottled in and put on a shelf out of the way of their normal life and then on one certain day, revisit it. Then when they are done, they go on with their lives and then 365 days later come back and grieve and continue the cycle, year by year. Of course, they say that not a day goes by that they don't think of the person but they only grieve that one day. I don't get that. I just can't understand it. I mean, not a day goes by that I don't think of Grace, and in a way, it hurts to admit that I suppose I don't truly grieve each and every day anymore. I mean that in the sense that two years out, I don't cry every single day or every night. I don't let my mind go to the day she died or the day she was born or the bad days she had, every single day. But I sure do go there often. Very often. But I just can't see myself only doing it once a year. But I suppose I don't know. I do know that I do not want to have to grieve like this for the rest of my life. Is that terrible? I don't want to when I'm 80, see a woman who is 53 and wonder what Grace would have looked like at 53, how many grandbabies would she have, etc etc. It hurts and it's tiring and I just don't want to spend the rest of my life doing it. But the thing is, she will be dead for the rest of my life. I will spend the rest of my life without her, I will never know the things I wonder about her, and I will never have the joy of helping my daughter learn how to raise her children etc. So though right now, I am sad not knowing the things my friends know, like what its like to take their daughter for her first pedicure, or haircut or dress shopping etc, and my husband doesn't get to partake in the daddy/daughter dances that are constantly posted to facebook, I know those things will end. But then other things begin. When we are older and all of ours and friends kids are getting married, my sweet husband will know that there is nobody for him to give away, he already has. I used to think "Cinderella" by Stephen Curtis Chapman was a beautiful song, now I turn it off, it's painful. I am sure it is for him as well now. I grieve for SO many things about her. I never knew before her that grief waslike this. Yes, I had known people to die, I had attended funerals and cried heavy tears for people who had passed but none like this. None like her. My daughter.
I grieve for the healthy full of life little girl that I didn't get to have. For the little girl that we rushed to the hospital to deliver, who was healthy. I grieve because I didn't enjoy my pregnancy with her at all and that was the only time she was ever safe. Grief comes to me in such strange ways. Often, I think of all the ways our lives would be different if Grace had not died. I imagine it as amazing. I imagine all of my boys with zero behavioral problems and insecurities (sure they weren't perfect before her death by any stretch, but it has done a number on us all) and I imagine her as a rambunctious two year old, who has all of her brothers wrapped around her finger. But very quickly, I am reminded that I don't know what she would have been like. She very well could not be walking, she might not be talking, she might be tube fed all day long still. Oxygen dependent still. Maybe she would have even ended up with a trach. Appointments all the time an hour away. And then I grieve for the special needs girl I don't have too. I saw a sweet little girl with an NG tube at the zoo the other day, and I felt jealousy. I had NG tube jealousy? I want to care for my little girl with a feeding tube.
I grieve for the healthy, typical girl that I do not have and I grieve for the special needs little girl that I do not have.
And that's what it comes down to though. For me to have kept her, she would have suffered. And even though, they'd have loved to keep her too, my sons would have inevitably suffered too since their lives would have been so altered to protect her. The hours of play with neighbors and birthday parties and outings to so many places just wouldn't have happened to protect her from the possible germs which could have eventually lead to her death anyway. But, for purely selfish reasons, I wish she had stayed. I miss her. I miss her nasal canula and I miss her feeding tube. I miss her stinky and leaky bag o bile... But how selfish to put her through all of that. But then it all comes back around to, "why did she have to be born so sick anyway.." I wish I knew.

May 23, 2003

10 years ago, I was all of 19 years old and Adam was 20. We had been dating for over 2 years and had been doing the long distance thing for around 8 months. We were so young (of course, we didn't think so at the time!) but we knew what we wanted, we knew that what we shared, was real, was truly "true love". People said we were stupid,we were too young (which, hey I get now, 19 is REALLY young!) we had very little support. So little support actually that we didn't tell anyone back home that we were getting married. Nobody knew for about 2 weeks. We knew that getting married was what was right for us, even if nobody else thought so. If we were making a mistake like we were told, we were old enough to decide that for ourselves. It was somewhat scary to do something that so many were against but I will never regret it for a second. Now, more than ever I believe that God orchestrates every piece of our lives and that on May 23, 2003 I was supposed to marry Adam Hall regardless of what many were telling me. I am so glad I did. I will never regret it. Never ever did I think that the past 10 years would play out like they did. They have been harder and more heartbreaking and filled with so much more hardships than I ever ever could have imagined. But, they have been more beautiful, more amazing, more full and joyous than I could have ever hoped for. We haven't always seen eye to eye on things, and oh man, there have been some hard years. The first year and the second year, were to be honest, close to awful. We got married, and 6 wks later we learned we were expecting our first child ( I was 19! sheesh!) and a week or so after that, Adam went on his first submarine deployment ( I think they might be different now? But when we went through it, it was sketchy email communications only and no contact for weeks at a time) and then he had long hours and duty days when he got back and then another deployment, during which our oldest son was born. He found out about his sons birth through a red cross message and met him when he was one month old! It was a rough year! There were times I wasn't sure we would make it through! But we've been through a total of 15 months of him being out to sea, 4 cross country moves, 7 houses, numerous times of living in hotels, and Navy lodges and staying with family during transition/relocation times. Transition from Navy to Civilian life ( never thought it would be so tough) car accidents,completion of a bachelors degree,buying a house, and so so much more.  We have weathered so many storms, we've been through so much. We've welcomed five amazing children and we've felt our hearts break over the loss of a pregnancy and the absolute hardest thing we have went through as a couple is undoubtedly the 4.5 mos  with Grace in the NICU and her death. My heart absolutely broke witnessing him learn of her death.He wanted his little girl so much.  We grieved differently, as I suppose most men and women do, and sometimes that was/is really hard, but there's nobody who could have helped me through this like he has. I hope I've been as good to him as he has to me. Nobody in this world knows me like he does and I'm certain that if anyone did, they wouldn't speak to me again! This man accepts every single flaw I have and puts up with every single crazy hormonal meltdown or tirade I throw his way and then tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful . I am blessed beyond belief to be his wife and mother of his children. I love you forever, Adam and I would marry you again in a heartbeat and I look forward to the next 10 years, and the next 10 after that and so on and so on. Thank you for the best 10 years of my life.

Going back...

Adam had an appointment in Ann Arbor today, and I accompanied him. Going back to Ann Arbor was hard only the first time after Grace died, when we went back 2 months later but after that I never had a hard time. Until today. Being in Ann Arbor today was not easy for me. It was too similar. It's March and cold. Last March, was sunny and warm, even hot. The March when Grace was born was cold and dreary, just like it is now. It just stung. Passing the hospital and remembering, how we'd walk in the cold morning, hours before the sun rose, from the Ronald McDonald House, to the NICU and stay until the sun had long set, in the cold. Keeping it together, I've gotten pretty good at that, but coming around the curve of the road and there's the helicopter...and the tears flow. It isn't fair..I miss her..My boys marveled at the fact that their baby sister was only a few hours old and had gotten to ride on a helicopter, how lucky they thought! Everytime they see one now, "is that Grace's helicopter?!" It seemed like almost every single time they went to the cafeteria with us, they got to see it land... It's still all so unreal sometimes.

The other day, I read I beautiful account of a baby's passing, from a parents blog. It was much like most of the babies who pass, something along the lines of "s/he passed in our arms, we surrounded her/him with love and s/he felt nothing but love as s/he passed" etc. The love for that baby is always so evident and it's always beautiful. But each time, it guts me.
My daughter died alone. In a baby swing. I wasn't there. Her father wasn't there. Nobody held her. She wasn't surrounded by our love. I don't have a single clue what the last words spoken to her were. Was the last thing she heard, pleasant? Beautiful and kind? I couldn't tell you. I was an hour away. Her daddy, was close to 2 hours away. I hear/read accounts of other babies last days, I don't have a cluse what her last day on this earth was like. I checked on her around 9 am and she was supposedly fine. I felt like I was being a bother so I resisted my urges to check back around lunchtime, 11 or 12 and was heading for the phone to check on her finally around 2 when I got the call. I don't have a clue.I don't even know what she was wearing. Did she have a good day? Was she fussy? Did anyone at all hold my baby girl that day? Probably not, since she was in her swing. These are the things I don't get to know. The things that I can't yet let go of.
The guilt, why didn't I do what kept nagging me. I kept thinking all morning, that maybe I'd call my mom, see if she wanted to go up with me and the boys and then Adam could come and pick all of them up and switch cars after work. Why did I listen when someone told me that I really needed to stay home wiht my boys more often, why did I feel so bad asking people to stay with them. I missed so much with her. I know they needed me, but so did she and I chose them that day, and she died. I don't think that if I had been there, she wouldn't have died, I know that really and truly, I couldn't have saved her, I just wish I'd have been there for her.

A friend, another beautiful angel mama shared this song on Facebook a few months back. I'd never heard it before, but from that day on it has become one of my "greif helpers" I guess. The tears readily flow and slowly, oh so slowly it helps..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AIEaq3Yey0

March again..

It is March again. I can hardly believe it. Two years ago, I was so excited for March. Couldn't wait for it. I was going to meet my baby girl in March, I couldn't wait. Now March comes and I don't know what to think or feel. She is woven into the changing of the seasons.. When the days begin to be just a bit warmer and spring is so close you can almost taste it, I am right back to anticipating her. When Easter baskets, eggs and bunnies line the store shelves, or more painful the beautiful easter dresses and bonnets, I am right back to remembering how I stood in the store wondering how I was to pick her first Easter dress out of SO many, I loved them all, and then deciding that I'd wait until she arrived because she would be 4 weeks old at Easter and it would be easier to choose once I saw her. When the weather is suddenly so chilly after being nice, I am reminded again of how COLD it was the night she was born. Of how the whole day, I kept wondering if the small cramps I was feeling might be contractions and maybe if I went for a long walk, they would kick into full gear, but it was just so cold. It seems impossible that 2 years have passed. I cannot account for most of the last two years. I know Grace lived, and died, I had a miscarriage and gave birth to my fourth son. My children and myself and husband all aged two years, I know all of this but it just seems impossible. I feel like I have missed so much. My boys were 7, 4, and 2 when she was born. Somehow I now have a 9,6 and 4 year old. That fact makes me so sad, children grow so fast and I missed so much. And really I am not, and never will be who I used to be so I will continue to miss so much. Grief is constantly sneaking up on me and distracting me. For the next 5 months, grief isn't going to leave me alone. I'll be going along and I'll realize what day it is, and my mind will say "hey, this is the day Grace came off of ECMO" or "hey, two years ago, she was in your arms for the first time" etc etc etc. and the memories will be good, because there were so many good things. Of course many will be very sad memories of really bad days, but even the good memories fade into sadness over the fact that I will never experience another memory made with her, I will never get any of it back.
I'm still trying to learn how to live with this, truly. Honestly I'm sure most people cannot see my grief. I look like any old mother to most. I'm still trying to find my comfort level with strangers. "Oh you have (whatever number happen to be with me) boys!" or "you have all boys!" because even though she is dead, I will always always always have a daughter and to not include her, hurts me. So, I will just smile or say "Oh actually I have 4 boys and 1 girl" which is usually enough. Sometimes that 1 girl sparks an interest. "OH! How old is your girl?" and then I feel dumb for saying anything, like the crazy woman who tells strangers that her baby is dead.." Oh...she would be amost 2 but she passed away" awkward silence... "I am so sorry" and then another awkward silence. But sometimes my ugly side wants to come out, and thankfully I am pretty good about keeping it under wraps. At least to strangers.. Today at the zoo a man said to me as we walked by him " got enough kids?!" and he wasn't really rude about it, it was said with a chuckle, so I bit my tongue because my snarky side kick wanted to say "actually nope, because one of them is dead" But then I'd be the crazy lady whose baby died. I'm proud of her, I love her, I want to talk about her but I don't really want to be the crazy lady..
I do know this, that even though it is so hard to live, my life will always have been made better by having her. Even though we are still dealing with messes that stem from her life and her death and they are hard and so trying, her life will always make mine better. If given the choice, I would choose her a million times over because even though I am so much more broken than i was before her, my life is so much better for having known her. She may be dead, but she blesses me still to this day.

17 Months.

17 months have passed. I can't believe she has been gone that long. My arms have not held my daughter in close to a year and a half. How is that possible? I miss her, oh how I miss her. I miss the things I never got to do with her and I miss the things I did get to do with her. I miss washing loads of little pink clothing. I wonder if I would be any good making pigtails and braids.  It's hard to believe she would be turning two in March. I should be planning her birthday party, 2 year olds are so much fun. I always wanted to have a tea party with my daughter, that always sounded like so much fun. Instead I will think of ways to honor her memory and life.
I will try my hardest to live as she did, with courage and love, tenacity and strength. I strive for my life to speak of hers, I am far from that but it is my goal. Someday, I will see her again but until then I will miss her with every single breath I take.

Longing.

I never doubted that I would be a mother. Ever. I always knew I would have kids and more than one. I did start wondering if I'd ever have a daughter. And I did. But the one thing I never considered was that I'd be a mother to a dead child. A dead daughter. I can't wrap my mind around it. How did this happen to me? My heart hurts. So badly. 15 months ago, when she died I wondered how I was going to survive. I don't know how I have, but I have. Things are different this year, than last.. A year ago, I was a mess and there were days that I couldn't get off of the couch. My boys watched too much tv and saw their mom cry too much. Bills were paid late, simply because I was too much of an unorganized mess to remember to pay them. I've learned to deal with all of it and I don't sit around and cry, I hardly ever sit down, let alone do nothing but sit on the couch.Housework gets done and bills get paid.Things appear "normal". None of this is to say that it's any easier. I have found ways to cope. But lately I don't know why, but my heart feels so heavy. I feel the suffocating grief inching its way back...I don't know what is triggering it, it is only the last week or so, I just don't know. I long for my baby girl. So much lately. I just miss her.

Capture Your Grief Catch up.days 4&5

Wow, the days have just been getting away from me. We are just so busy and have had a few sick little ones. Thankfully everyone seems to be on the mend. Now to catch up.
Day 4. Most Treasured Item.
I had thought of this one a lot. I have so many treasured items of Grace's it is so hard to pick just one.
I picked this though, because I don't feel like I can ever be without it. I put this necklace on the day the funeral home gave it back to me after the cremation was finished and haven't been without it since. You see, this necklace is more than just a symbol of my love for her, it holds a small portion of her remains inside. It comforts me. It strengthens me. It means so much to me to have her so close to my heart.

Day 5. Memorial. Something that has been done as a memorial to your child.
In Grace's memory, we have planted a garden at our home. Our friends had a tree planted at a nearby park. Adam has a tattoo.